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Yes, I know the image of self- amputation connected to relationships and life sounds ludicrous. Some of you are rolling your eyes, saying, “Lillian has finally lost the plot.” I can feel it from here but bear with me for one moment. I am talking about where some of us, “ I have been very guilty of this in the past.” Are living in a state of cutting away bits of who we are. In some case, this means hiding parts of you that you have tagged as unacceptable. For others is putting your needs as a footnote on your list of priorities. If you are like me and grew up watching Mission Impossible, you disavow any knowledge of those sides of you. Why?  We are taught as little girls to smile and share our toys and look after others; we are equally fed as women that we must be mess-free to be accepted and loved. We must be rainbow and smiles all the time, and it is only a selfish woman that looks after her own needs first.  For some of us, we are still holding other people’s opinions and judgment of who we are as the gospel truth. Especially in the Black community, the identity of the long-suffering sacrificing woman is exalted and praised.

What is a woman to do? The one who is looking to be validated by others as likeable and loveable,  you want to be that version they have of what a good woman looks like. You get this bright idea to cut out parts of yourself to fit into their mould of what and who you should be in a relationship, in your life. Have you ever heard of the round peg, square hole scenario?  It never works!

In your bid to be seen in a certain way, you cut off that powerful inner voice that you have, denying her very existence. You cut out that side of you that is seen as too much for others, you shrink down to fit. You put your needs on the backburner and always saying yes, even when your soul is screaming no. Do you practice this level of self-amputation in your life?

Not just in your relationships with others but in the relationship, you have with yourself. Do you deny that side of you that wants something so powerful that it scares the pants off you? Rather than admitting to it, do you cut that side of you out? Do you silence it with stuff, be it sex, shopping, drink, food, drugs, and even lousy TV?  Whatever you use, you medicate that side of you into silence, so for all intents and purposes, it’s an amputation of sorts.

Self-amputation, when you think about it, it is when you cut off bits here and there of who you really are or when you play at life with other people’s rules or living in the world through the squirrely judgment you have of yourself.   I know when I say self-amputation; it conjures up the images of someone hacking away bits of themselves physically. Although that’s not what I’m talking about, you know what? There are some women out there who are hacking off bits of themselves at the hands of a surgeon or two trying to fit into someone’s idea of beauty. That is a conversation for another time.

Do you practice self-amputation?  Do you walk into a relationship whole with the good, bad and the crazy side of you in tow or do you hide, tuck away or cut off those sides of you?

Do you only show up with the side of you that you think is acceptable?  Do you remember what attracts people to you? It is your whole you. Your vibrant, passionate side of you that tells awful jokes and snorts when she laughs. Then as the relationship evolves, you start to downplay and hide sides of you. It feels like there are bits of you missing. He/she is wondering what is missing. Something is not here, yet they can’t put their finger on it.

The question here is, where have you purposely amputated, disavowed, and denied all knowledge of parts of you to fit into your preconceived notions of how you should show up in life?

Was it to please and appease someone else’s or your ideas of relationship?

Was it to create this ideal good woman someone worth taking home to mama?

It could also be based on the funky opinions and views that you are carrying around that do not belong to you. It could be your mother’s idea of how you should be or your father’s view of what a relationship is or isn’t.  When was the last time you cut out your inner voice that said do not do this…………….? And when you did do it, what was the outcome? If you are truly honest with yourself, you will say it was an unmitigated disaster. In fact, to use a phrase I once heard it was a clusterfuck.  “It’s just that bad, and if you need a definition of a clusterfuck, according to Merriam-Webster “it’s defined as a complex and utterly disordered and mismanaged situation: a muddled mess

How many times have you entered a relationship where your inner voice is screaming at you. Please don’t do this and you choose to silence her and two, three months down the line you are in the middle of a clusterfuck? You know what I am talking about, don’t you?

Now,  it is time to stop practising self-amputation in the most important relationship of all, your self-relationship. It is time to allow the fullness of you to show up for yourself. It’s time to embrace the sides of you that you have hidden.  The side you are afraid to unleash, the side you feel is lacking. It is time to embrace it, to love it, to Love her, your whole self.  It is only when you are in a magnificent self- relationship, full, loving, vibrant and darn right indulgent that you can create a space to attract a person to have a great growing relationship.

Here is some homework for you, it is time, to be honest with yourself,

Where in your relationships have you been amputating parts of you?

Where are your self-care priorities on your list of things to do?

Have you found yourself saying “Yes” to helping others that you really want to say “No” to?

What parts do you choose to hide and why?

When was the last time you confronted your inner mean girl and heard what she had to say?

It is time to integrate, make whole and have a deeply loving seven-layer sundae relationship with you! No more amputating, cutting off and hiding.  It is time for you to be 100% your whole self so you can start living the life you have tucked away on your vision board.